Wednesday.

Total thumbs down. I again ate extremely poorly and didn't write any of it down! How hard is it to do something as simple as writing a few things down in a notebook?!?!? Obviously, I am extremely frustrated. I seem to have discovered today that I am extremely stressed out and eating is definitely one way to ignore the stress and to feel good. Unfortunately, I haven't been feeling good from what I eat lately. I am in a masochistic cycle of stress - ignore - eat - repeat. I'm tired of it, but I realize and understand that nobody can fix me but me and Heavenly Father. I have been ignoring Him too much as well. :o(

Tomorrow's goal: Chill out!!!! Any time I start to get stressed or frazzled or frustrated, I will try to remember to stop, breathe, remember my Father in Heaven, and relax.

We shall see!

Tuesday...

Sooo, I did keep a journal of everything I ate today. I ended up writing most of it in chunks after eating a few things within a few hours instead of writing things down as I go, but hey, I did it. It was very enlightening. I didn't consume one single thing that would benefit my body in any way. I'm going to keep this up tomorrow and will report back. Yay!

Monday...

The goal for today was to write down everything I ate - not modify, just write. The results were no bueno. I didn't write down a single thing. Yes, I had an excuse, but it wasn't a good one. I didn't want to write down the things I ate in something I wasn't going to continue writing in, so it had to be some sort of notebook or journal. I then realized that with all the notebooks and journals I have, none of them are spiral and purse-sized. Alas, I could not write down my food intake. Yup. Lame. I know. But now you know.

Even though I did not accomplish my first goal, I am not going to surrender. I will look on the bright side of things when days like today happen. For example, tonight while I was out for work, I stopped into a Walgreens and bought a purse-sized spiral notebook. Now I have a way to always record what I put into my body.

Goal for Tuesday:
Write down everything I eat in my brand new hand-dandy notebook! Here's to hoping! :o)

The Past, Present, and Future

The Past: Last Week.

This last week I have discovered very little of myself; however, I didn't really search for myself either. It's a scary war-zone inside my head...a battle between child-Gwen and logical, adult-Gwen. I usually evade that place, therefore allowing child-Gwen run of the house.

The Present: Today.

I skipped breakfast because I was running out the door to go to church. I don't usually skip breakfast because it is usually my favorite meal of the day, but I had to. Unfortunately, when I skip breakfast, or have a light breakfast, I tend to have an extremely difficult time keeping the munchies away the rest of the day once I start eating. That happened today. When I eat something bad like chocolate chocolate chip cake, the thing that makes it bad for me ends up being my portions. I CANNOT stop. My logical/reasoning side of my brain literally turns off and I become a rebellious two-year-old who steals wayyy more cookies than she can eat and hides under the kitchen table to scarf them down. The only difference between that two-year-old and me is that I no longer have to hide and it's not fun. It's still tasty, but not fun because I am out of control. Quite literally.

The Future: Next Week.

My goal for this week is to have my eye on much smaller, more easily attainable goals than the "lose 100lbs in a year" goal. Craziness! Instead, my goal for this week is to set a daily goal. The hope is that as I do this throughout the week, I will learn what is reasonable to ask of myself and what may be a little too much at this point. On top of this, I really hope to start to discover (psychologically and spiritually) why I am stuck at this point in my life. Soooooo, my goal for tomorrow: Be honest with myself - write down everything I eat. Don't censor, don't try to fix along the way, just be honest and notice.

Well, we'll see how this goes. I'll try to report back to you each night, but I can't promise...I am not so great at keeping promises that involve creating a habit I have not yet made! :oP

Ok, I admit... I've been hiding in a sugar coma.

I have been away from this blog for a long time. Why? Because after I finished my last post, I lost all control...and all desire for control...and now I am up to 322lbs. I didn't want to share that with you because I was scared. I'm scared of you discovering that I am a failure. I am scared of admitting to myself that I can't hide from my failure. I know who reads this, and I didn't want you to see my mistakes. I only wanted you to see my successes. How fake is that? You don't have to tell me what not to do. Chances are that if I am doing something I shouldn't be doing, I am 100% cognisant of the choice and then I make the choice to ignore it.

Basically, I just have to say "I'm sorry." I will include you all the time. I will be fair and give you the whole story as I know it. Please be patient with me. I will not hide anymore. :o)

And the results....

I may not have come home from pizza night with my head held high, but I did come home still standing. That is an accomplishment in itself!

An interesting thing happens when food gets to be my main focus... my brain decides to suddenly leave for a vacation in Timbuktu where my conscience slathers on the "Gwen-block" and stretches out lazily in the sun while quietly laughing to itself when it thinks about how funny my face must look without it animating me. I'd probably look like a zombie with food smeared on my face, slowly bringing my hand laden with pizza to my face, not even registering that I just ingested something 2 seconds ago. Mmhm. I'm sure that is what happens. How else could the "mindless eating" be explained? Anyway, I go on autopilot anytime good food is around.

I think I could get better about the mindless eating by becoming a food snob. No, really. Right now, I will put anything into my mouth if it's sweet, fattening, salty, or any combination of those elements. People who can eat incredibly fattening food and still stay in good shape are those who eat amazing food when they go to amazing restaurants. They are the one's who throw up a little in their mouths anytime you suggest McDonald's, or the like, for lunch. They let their special occasions be special occasions. They listen to their body and let their body tell them what to do instead of allowing their minds to bully them.

I know this is not going to be easy, as I've said many times before, but I will try it and see how well it goes. Bye for now!

Week 1 Down

I did it! This first week I started at 314lbs. and finished at 311lbs. Woo Hoo!!! I feel like I didn't really deserve it, though. I still made poor choices with my food, it just wasn't as bad as usual. I need to remember that slow and steady wins the race because in order to keep the weight off, I have to do this the right way. I have to admit, I am going over to my sister's house tonight to a pizza coupon, but I will try my best to be smart about quantity. I'll let you know if I am successful.

Until the next time... :o) Smile :o)