It has been just over a week since the last blog entry. I would love to use the excuse that I've been busy, but that would be a lie. The truth is I just didn't feel like making the effort sometimes, and other times, I avoided writing. Why? Well, when I write a blog, I have noticed that I feel a sense of responsibility to make an honest effort with myself, even if I binge, only, I would actually feel guilt for binging and then resolve not to do it again. I thought that if I avoided writing a blog entry, then I would be free from the guilt of not succeeding. I would be free to fatten up "unconsciously." These are feelings and self-talk I seem to struggle with the most. My largest problem is my compulsive need to ignore anything negative. I don't know how to jump over this hurdle. It is the main reason why I am still 200lbs overweight. I ignore that I am as big as I am, I ignore how depressed it makes me feel, I ignore painful thoughts and feelings by stuffing myself with mind-numbing food, I ignore the little voice in my head telling me that I don't really want that brownie, I ignore the help my Heavenly Father keeps trying to send me, and I ignore all the signs in my life that scream to me to lose weight. I get so overwhelmed with the difficulty of the task ahead of me that I shut down. I have always been that way in everything I do.
Example #1: Anytime I would come home with a writing assignment for English, I would work myself into a tizzy trying to figure out how to start the essay, how it should be formed, and making sure it was exactly what the teacher wanted that I would break down and my dad would end up helping me. I didn't do that on purpose to get my dad's help. I knew that if I wanted his help, all I needed to do was ask; however, I tried to be independent and I always fell flat on my face. My dad saved me every time and I leaned so much from him.
Example #2: My bedroom often gets messy. Well, messy may be an understatement... it is more like a meteorological anomaly of the largest hurricane in the world constantly touching down in my room only. It is known as Hurricane Gwendolyn *cue dramatic music.* Anyways, I would have to put aside an entire day to clean my room because I would spend the first half in a fetal position, unsure of where or how to start, feeling like the task was impossible. It would always take my dad or my sister (the expert cleaner) to help me understand how to get started and how to tackle such a large job. They constantly save me from full-blown insanity (though a small strain of it will always be embedded into my DNA).
Needless to say, I have an extremely difficult time with large tasks. I have learned from my family that in order to tackle a large task, I have to break it down into small, extremely manageable tasks that I can focus on solely, until little by little, the large task becomes smaller. Why don't I do this for losing weight? Well, with the two examples above and others I have not listed, the unwanted behavior, or the large disaster, always comes back. I have not mastered keeping my room clean, how do I expect to keep the weight off? That is one possible reason. This week, I will be exploring different reasons why I hold myself back from losing weight. It will be a roller coaster ride, but we will find out important things about me (and may you, too) along the way.
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