And the results....

I may not have come home from pizza night with my head held high, but I did come home still standing. That is an accomplishment in itself!

An interesting thing happens when food gets to be my main focus... my brain decides to suddenly leave for a vacation in Timbuktu where my conscience slathers on the "Gwen-block" and stretches out lazily in the sun while quietly laughing to itself when it thinks about how funny my face must look without it animating me. I'd probably look like a zombie with food smeared on my face, slowly bringing my hand laden with pizza to my face, not even registering that I just ingested something 2 seconds ago. Mmhm. I'm sure that is what happens. How else could the "mindless eating" be explained? Anyway, I go on autopilot anytime good food is around.

I think I could get better about the mindless eating by becoming a food snob. No, really. Right now, I will put anything into my mouth if it's sweet, fattening, salty, or any combination of those elements. People who can eat incredibly fattening food and still stay in good shape are those who eat amazing food when they go to amazing restaurants. They are the one's who throw up a little in their mouths anytime you suggest McDonald's, or the like, for lunch. They let their special occasions be special occasions. They listen to their body and let their body tell them what to do instead of allowing their minds to bully them.

I know this is not going to be easy, as I've said many times before, but I will try it and see how well it goes. Bye for now!

Week 1 Down

I did it! This first week I started at 314lbs. and finished at 311lbs. Woo Hoo!!! I feel like I didn't really deserve it, though. I still made poor choices with my food, it just wasn't as bad as usual. I need to remember that slow and steady wins the race because in order to keep the weight off, I have to do this the right way. I have to admit, I am going over to my sister's house tonight to a pizza coupon, but I will try my best to be smart about quantity. I'll let you know if I am successful.

Until the next time... :o) Smile :o)

Attention: I am officially making goals!

Ok. I have been wanting to do this for a while now but I have been too scared to commit to something at which I always felt I would inevitably fail; however, I am going to see the sunny side of the street and pull myself up by the bootstraps... are you ready?

My Short-Term, Realistic Goal:

1. Exercise 5 minutes every day
2. Lose 1-2lbs per week
3. Get to bed by 10:30pm each weeknight

My Long-Term, Wishful Goal:

1. Lose 100lbs by August 23, 2010
2. Exercise 30 minutes every day
3. Get to bed by 10:00pm each weeknight and 11:30pm on Saturdays

I put up the long-term goals to show that I am hoping to accomplish something big. The short-term goals are what I am actually working towards, though I may need to borrow Mr. Ed's horse blinders in order to accomplish them. The journey will not be easy, or even remotely simple, but it will be worth it. I'm scared as all get-out, but I know that it is possible if I put one foot in front of the other and if I remember that I am not the only one who struggles with demons every day.

Twisted Pipeworks of the Ol' Gwen Machine

It has been just over a week since the last blog entry. I would love to use the excuse that I've been busy, but that would be a lie. The truth is I just didn't feel like making the effort sometimes, and other times, I avoided writing. Why? Well, when I write a blog, I have noticed that I feel a sense of responsibility to make an honest effort with myself, even if I binge, only, I would actually feel guilt for binging and then resolve not to do it again. I thought that if I avoided writing a blog entry, then I would be free from the guilt of not succeeding. I would be free to fatten up "unconsciously." These are feelings and self-talk I seem to struggle with the most. My largest problem is my compulsive need to ignore anything negative. I don't know how to jump over this hurdle. It is the main reason why I am still 200lbs overweight. I ignore that I am as big as I am, I ignore how depressed it makes me feel, I ignore painful thoughts and feelings by stuffing myself with mind-numbing food, I ignore the little voice in my head telling me that I don't really want that brownie, I ignore the help my Heavenly Father keeps trying to send me, and I ignore all the signs in my life that scream to me to lose weight. I get so overwhelmed with the difficulty of the task ahead of me that I shut down. I have always been that way in everything I do.

Example #1: Anytime I would come home with a writing assignment for English, I would work myself into a tizzy trying to figure out how to start the essay, how it should be formed, and making sure it was exactly what the teacher wanted that I would break down and my dad would end up helping me. I didn't do that on purpose to get my dad's help. I knew that if I wanted his help, all I needed to do was ask; however, I tried to be independent and I always fell flat on my face. My dad saved me every time and I leaned so much from him.

Example #2: My bedroom often gets messy. Well, messy may be an understatement... it is more like a meteorological anomaly of the largest hurricane in the world constantly touching down in my room only. It is known as Hurricane Gwendolyn *cue dramatic music.* Anyways, I would have to put aside an entire day to clean my room because I would spend the first half in a fetal position, unsure of where or how to start, feeling like the task was impossible. It would always take my dad or my sister (the expert cleaner) to help me understand how to get started and how to tackle such a large job. They constantly save me from full-blown insanity (though a small strain of it will always be embedded into my DNA).

Needless to say, I have an extremely difficult time with large tasks. I have learned from my family that in order to tackle a large task, I have to break it down into small, extremely manageable tasks that I can focus on solely, until little by little, the large task becomes smaller. Why don't I do this for losing weight? Well, with the two examples above and others I have not listed, the unwanted behavior, or the large disaster, always comes back. I have not mastered keeping my room clean, how do I expect to keep the weight off? That is one possible reason. This week, I will be exploring different reasons why I hold myself back from losing weight. It will be a roller coaster ride, but we will find out important things about me (and may you, too) along the way.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

Seriously, that word works. it's so silly, but it fills a void when a void needs to be filled. Well, I have officially started my quest towards finding Me. First I made the blog. Check that off my list. Then I made a goal I knew I could accomplish: I will exercise 6 days a week for 5 minutes a day. That doesn't seem so hard, now does it??? Well, I seemed to have overestimated my physical abilities. That is sooo sad considering it's a mere 5 minutes, but I felt like I couldn't hack it last night. That's what not exercising does to you folks! Well, not exercising and eating like food is going out of style in 30 seconds...

Anyways, I stuck through the five minutes last night and I'm proud of myself for that. Now tonight, or, actually, this early early morning, I am not feeling up to exercising because I wanted to hit the sack hours ago and I don't feel like attempting to expend energy I don't have. Why didn't I go to sleep earlier you ask? Well, simple. I wanted to eat more. I was quite full after going to a movie with my sister tonight, during which I had a hot dog, a box and a third of Whoppers, and about 32 oz. of soda; however, after all of that plus a full stomach, I decided to stop off a Jack in the Box for an order of mini buffalo ranch chicken sandwiches. I didn't even like them very much, but I ate them nonetheless because they were savory and I needed savory after all that sweet. After dropping my sister off at her house, I went home and proceeded to eat the remaining half-quart of coconut almond chip ice cream. My reasoning? I had just had savory and I needed sweet...plus I wanted to start eating healthier tomorrow and I couldn't do that with my favorite ice cream around. I'd fail immediately! Ice cream for breakfast anyone? And there's no way I could toss it because that would be a waste of perfectly good ice cream or money or whatever, not to mention I would suffer a total and utter emotional breakdown. So, I am now STUFFED like mom's Thanksgiving turkey and not feeling the exercise thing, even if it is for only 5 minutes. Solution? Suck it up and do the darned exercise.

Good night! Sing free. Live free.

The Camera Monster

I don't know if it's just me, but I have a hard time seeing myself as big as I really am. That's not to say I see myself as skinny. On the contrary, I see myself as elephantile (I know, I made up that word) and gross. So why is my horrible view of myself not as bad as the real thing? Maybe it's my subconscious' way of protecting me from utter depression; however, I think my annoying subconscious is only saving that pain for the "Holy Cow!" moments that inevitably come when I see a picture or video of myself. We have all had them, those moments when we see a captured image of ourselves and our minds start stuttering "..how did... that can't be... do I really??..." That all-time famous quote, "the camera adds ten pounds," is absolutely hilarious! Do we really think we can trick ourselves into believing that anytime a picture or video is shot, a little green monster who lives in the camera suddenly wakes up from hibernation, all for the purpose of magicking ten, twenty, or even fifty pounds immediately onto our bodies for a fraction of a second, only to magick it back off when the picture or video is complete?? Pfft...yeah, right! I know I haven't picked up the camera in ages, but it is not actually going to retaliate by making me look fatter. The real reason is because we see ourselves every day and we get used to ignoring most of the things we don't like about ourselves. Unfortunately, the camera is not allowed to show what we want it to show. No, the camera only has one perspective: the ugly truth. Blah. Having said all that, though, I think I'll go back to believing in my little green camera monster. He's not so horrible once you get used to him... he may even turn out to be a little friendly if you're nice to him.

Here goes...

Tonight is a first - a first among a long line of firsts. To be more accurate, it is a long line of re-firsts or new beginnings. I don't know how many times I have tried to start losing weight. I am 25 years old and have been in a weight loss battle my whole life; well, almost my whole life. That is all going to change from here on out. I am no longer in a weight loss battle, but a journey towards attaining good health - not just physical, but mental, emotional, and spiritual health as well. I need to heal my person as a whole and not just the part of me people see and do not like. I need to like all of me...the parts I see, the parts I don't, and the self from which I hide. I'm scared, honestly, but if Ruby from Style Network can face her demons, so can I. I hope. I will do my best to be courageous enough to share all I am going through. Bear with me. It's going to be a very bumpy ride.