Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

Seriously, that word works. it's so silly, but it fills a void when a void needs to be filled. Well, I have officially started my quest towards finding Me. First I made the blog. Check that off my list. Then I made a goal I knew I could accomplish: I will exercise 6 days a week for 5 minutes a day. That doesn't seem so hard, now does it??? Well, I seemed to have overestimated my physical abilities. That is sooo sad considering it's a mere 5 minutes, but I felt like I couldn't hack it last night. That's what not exercising does to you folks! Well, not exercising and eating like food is going out of style in 30 seconds...

Anyways, I stuck through the five minutes last night and I'm proud of myself for that. Now tonight, or, actually, this early early morning, I am not feeling up to exercising because I wanted to hit the sack hours ago and I don't feel like attempting to expend energy I don't have. Why didn't I go to sleep earlier you ask? Well, simple. I wanted to eat more. I was quite full after going to a movie with my sister tonight, during which I had a hot dog, a box and a third of Whoppers, and about 32 oz. of soda; however, after all of that plus a full stomach, I decided to stop off a Jack in the Box for an order of mini buffalo ranch chicken sandwiches. I didn't even like them very much, but I ate them nonetheless because they were savory and I needed savory after all that sweet. After dropping my sister off at her house, I went home and proceeded to eat the remaining half-quart of coconut almond chip ice cream. My reasoning? I had just had savory and I needed sweet...plus I wanted to start eating healthier tomorrow and I couldn't do that with my favorite ice cream around. I'd fail immediately! Ice cream for breakfast anyone? And there's no way I could toss it because that would be a waste of perfectly good ice cream or money or whatever, not to mention I would suffer a total and utter emotional breakdown. So, I am now STUFFED like mom's Thanksgiving turkey and not feeling the exercise thing, even if it is for only 5 minutes. Solution? Suck it up and do the darned exercise.

Good night! Sing free. Live free.

The Camera Monster

I don't know if it's just me, but I have a hard time seeing myself as big as I really am. That's not to say I see myself as skinny. On the contrary, I see myself as elephantile (I know, I made up that word) and gross. So why is my horrible view of myself not as bad as the real thing? Maybe it's my subconscious' way of protecting me from utter depression; however, I think my annoying subconscious is only saving that pain for the "Holy Cow!" moments that inevitably come when I see a picture or video of myself. We have all had them, those moments when we see a captured image of ourselves and our minds start stuttering "..how did... that can't be... do I really??..." That all-time famous quote, "the camera adds ten pounds," is absolutely hilarious! Do we really think we can trick ourselves into believing that anytime a picture or video is shot, a little green monster who lives in the camera suddenly wakes up from hibernation, all for the purpose of magicking ten, twenty, or even fifty pounds immediately onto our bodies for a fraction of a second, only to magick it back off when the picture or video is complete?? Pfft...yeah, right! I know I haven't picked up the camera in ages, but it is not actually going to retaliate by making me look fatter. The real reason is because we see ourselves every day and we get used to ignoring most of the things we don't like about ourselves. Unfortunately, the camera is not allowed to show what we want it to show. No, the camera only has one perspective: the ugly truth. Blah. Having said all that, though, I think I'll go back to believing in my little green camera monster. He's not so horrible once you get used to him... he may even turn out to be a little friendly if you're nice to him.

Here goes...

Tonight is a first - a first among a long line of firsts. To be more accurate, it is a long line of re-firsts or new beginnings. I don't know how many times I have tried to start losing weight. I am 25 years old and have been in a weight loss battle my whole life; well, almost my whole life. That is all going to change from here on out. I am no longer in a weight loss battle, but a journey towards attaining good health - not just physical, but mental, emotional, and spiritual health as well. I need to heal my person as a whole and not just the part of me people see and do not like. I need to like all of me...the parts I see, the parts I don't, and the self from which I hide. I'm scared, honestly, but if Ruby from Style Network can face her demons, so can I. I hope. I will do my best to be courageous enough to share all I am going through. Bear with me. It's going to be a very bumpy ride.